Day +4006: God, I feel like hell tonight…

“… Tears of rage I cannot fight…
Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?”

11/18/2021: Being a caregiver, especially to a loved one, is hard – really really hard. For the past two and a half months, I’ve felt physically and emotionally terrible and unable to do much, better days and worse days but no good days. Difficult as this is for me, it’s so much more so for Michael. My only focus is trying to keep myself together while he keeps our entire world turning. Yesterday was one of my “worse” days, and the featured tag line song kept running through my head. 

Besides the obvious stress of knowing he can’t eliminate my suffering, he must contend with physically caring for the miserable, irritable person I’ve become. I’m nauseated most of the time, and all food tastes terrible, similar to what happened post transplant 11 years ago. Daily, he makes me his special nutrition shake/smoothie to augment failed attempts at finding “regular” food I can stomach, most days a losing battle. Our larder is overflowing with every sort of food, sweet, salty, savory, as he relentlessly makes trip after trip to the grocery store trying to find something I’ll eat and offers to cook anything I’m willing to try. He cleans up my vomit and occasional episodes of incontinence, helps me shower, dress, and track my meds, and springs into action for my every request in between the rest of the household chores, once divided between us, that have now fallen to him, including the care and feeding of our seven cats (and their associated health crises that come at the worst of times). We’ve had a lot of extra vet visits, as well as administering meds at home, the past couple of months.

Don’t forget the two hour round trip commutes to Hopkins 2-5 days weekly with many hours spent waiting in uncomfortable chairs and surroundings while I’m being treated. He rarely leaves my side. 

He never gets a good night’s sleep and rarely a decent meal.

There’s so much more but you get the idea.

And he still finds the time and energy to write this blog to keep everyone updated. As you read his posts, please think of him and send him extra love and good thoughts. 

To Michael…THANK YOU. I love you and appreciate all that you do. You are my hero.

xoxo, Karen

4 Comments:

  1. So sorry this is happening. You and Michael are in our thoughts & prayers daily.

  2. I think of Michael every single day, as often as I think of you, and I wonder if I’ll have some one who will care for me (should the need arise) as lovingly as he cares for you.
    I am holding you both tightly in my heart as you face this incredibly unfair life altering situation. Sending you all my love.

  3. Thinking of you both and appreciate the updates and the strength it takes to do so from both of you.
    Sending good thoughts and love,
    Debbie

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